Friend or Foe
“Who goes there? Friend or foe?”
I’ve always found this greeting a bit of a conundrum. If the person being addressed is actually a foe, are they really going to admit to it? (As an interesting side note, “friend or foe” was developed as a radar identification system in World War II to prevent friendly fire incidents. To reinforce my previous rhetorical question, this warning system can only identify friendly fire targets, not hostile ones. Brief history lesson concluded.)
Why exactly am I writing about friends and foes? Because friendship is something most of us take for granted, yet we seldom stop to reflect on the true meaning of the word. The result can be disappointment, hurt, anger or worse. In fact, at no other time in my life have relationships been more fractured or contentious – especially in the context of social media.
Stay with me for a minute as we take a quick dive into the deep end. I think it’s important and hopefully all our relationships will benefit from this little lesson.
“The word “friend” is not the one-dimensional word we are tempted to believe it to be.”
The word “friend” is not the one-dimensional word we are tempted to believe it to be. In fact it can mean any of the following: someone you are attached to by affection or esteem; an acquaintance; someone who is not hostile; someone that is of the same nation, party or group; one that favors or promotes something (such as a charity); a favored companion; or someone you invite to join your social networking page.
Quite rightly, you may have surmised that many “friends” fall into the category of “acquaintance”, “someone that is of the same nation, party or group” (think politics, religious beliefs or race) and/or someone we have added to our social networking page. In fact, it’s not unusual for us to have not even met some of our “friends” or know much about them at all except they are “friends” with one of our other “friends”. This is the quintessential definition of “social networking”.
It really is surprising how much you can learn about someone from their social media posts. When people feel connected to others, they become comfortable with sharing quite intimate details of their life, beliefs and circumstances. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can leave us feeling like our “friend” is actually a “foe” if the trust we believe exists is broken with a hurtful comment or even an outright attack against a deeply held belief. (Right now, you may be thinking of the person you just unfollowed because of their conflicting political beliefs, or stance on some other equally contentious subject.) So how can we make sure our friends stay “friends”?
“So how can we make sure our friends stay “friends”?”
I have a lot of friends (see definitions above), with whom I share a facet of my world. Perhaps I work with them, go to church with them, or share a hobby or passion. I also have a lot of friends on social media who are fans or students of my musician husband. Very few of them know me intimately, are part of my day-to-day life, or know me beyond one or two aspects of shared experiences or interests. And here is the important thing to remember - just because we have some things in common, doesn’t mean we have all things in common.
“...just because we have some things in common, doesn’t mean we have all things in common. ”
I’m sure there are hundreds of my friends with whom I differ on at least one ideological, political, religious and/or moral issue. That notwithstanding, I can still call them “friend” because I measure our friendship according to the basis on which it exists. I don’t expect them to share my views, I’m not looking to convert them to my perspective and (hopefully) they can respect my beliefs where they don’t align with theirs.
“When you think about it, this give and take, affection and acceptance of another human being is fundamental to true friendship. And it is essential if we are to avoid turning our “friends” into “foes”.”
Your mission for the rest of 2020, should you choose to accept it, is to remember to accurately categorize your friendships and the foundation they are built on. Extend grace where it is required, let the comments or posts about topics where you differ slide by, and build your relationships around the commonality which grounds them. And if you’ve being calling someone a friend who really is a foe, it’s okay to let them go. It doesn’t mean they are bad person; it may just be that the assumption of friendship was mistaken.
If we all apply a little more grace and kindness to our relationships in the coming months the world will be a happier and more peaceful place, and true friendship will survive and thrive.
